Human Nature

My Grandmother Ruby said, "the trouble with riding a high horse is that it is such a long way to the ground". Unfortunately, I just don't think that I look good riding those little Humble Ponies around. I start to feel the need to be way up there looking down on the rest of the world. Humble be darned! When I’m right, I’m right!

I start to become annoyed with people that are not quite as smart as me, or as aware of their surroundings, or what’s going on. In my mind, it's those people that are most near me; to the point that I wonder how such stupid people even feed themselves. They make mistakes, they get in my way, they interrupt me when I talk, they park in my space, make my coffee wrong, scare the crap out of me by screaming in the park, and just become generally annoying.

I do my best to give them instructions on how to become better people. I leave notes, and signs on how to not use my loading dock, how to not park in my spot, and other instructions, but they still do things just to annoy me. I’ve even noticed that when I try to back out of my parking space that people will stop just were I want to go, and look at me expectantly, like they are waiting for me to do something. I have to get out of my truck walk over to them, remind myself no matter how annoying that these people are becoming, I just have to be polite, because human beings are supposed to be nice to one another. I say something nice, like; “Pardon me sir, but if you are waiting for me, I was intending to back out right here where you are, so if you are not parked there, it is okay to go ahead and drive on”. They will say something like; “Oh, okay, I just didn’t want to run into you”. I say something like; “Thanks” Then I get back in my truck and start to back out again, and then see that somebody else is behind me, waiting to see what I'm going to do.

I started backing my truck into my parking spot, so I could just pull out. To back in, I have to pull across the road, then back into my spot. I use my flashers so everybody knows that I’m attempting to do something dangerous, then I put my truck into reverse so the back-up lights come on. That gives people around me a clear indication that I intend to back up. I check all of my mirrors and start to back in, invariably I will find someone parked behind me, politely waiting to see what I intend to do, so they don’t run into me... Out of the truck… Be polite… “Pardon me sir…

These same people are out there on the roads all the time, I often wonder how they get from “point A”, to “point B” without killing themselves. I often fantasize about them being parked under a ten-ton rock careening off a bluff, with them politely parked under it, waiting to see what it’s going to do. I'm caused to wonder; am I the only one that is just inherently evil, or do other people also notice how annoying people are becoming, and secretly hope for them to come to a fitting and appropriate end?

We have a new employee that is is a wonderful person, doing a great job. We are very happy to have her. She is willing and accommodating. She started making the coffee in the mornings. Being the jerk that I am, I started to tease her about being a woman that would still make the office coffee. Making the coffee has become a male job traditionally, because women “don't make, or pack coffee” nowadays. It's now considered demeaning to make coffee or do windows. I don't fully understand it because I'm, not only a jerk, I am also a sexist. So, I've noticed that there is a difference between men and women. She made coffee the other morning and she forgot to put the water in the hopper. She was embarrassed, but she shared it with us, and we all got a good laugh at her expense. Shortly after that she filled the hopper with water and put the coffee grounds in with no filter. She also shared that with us. We teased her about her lumpy coffee. Then she made coffee with no grounds, and we teased her. I told her that she should keep trying and not give up because I was rather enjoying the fact that someone was willing to make the coffee besides me. I was beginning to feel sorry for her though, and thought maybe I should take my old job back. I was beginning to feel a little evil, knowing that I was, really, the only one that knew how to make coffee correctly.

People have become so annoying to me lately that when I'm out driving, I notice that people speed up and slow down just to get in my way. I've even considered signaling a left turn when I actually intend to turn right, just to fool people into staying out of my way. I figured that if they saw my left turn signal on they would move over there to get in my way, and I could just smoothly turn to the right. Genius!

The other morning I came to work about 7:00 a.m. There was only about two cars in town. I signaled for a right turn onto Church street, and sure enough, the car in front of me pulls right onto church street in front of me. I smile a little to myself, because there are parking spots all over, and surely this guy won't be in my way. Imagine my rage when I see this guy cruise right into MY parking spot. Where I pay the rent! I pulled up, and impolitely said: “There must be a thousand parking spots in Garberville this morning, why did you have to park right in MY work area.?” He politely said: “I'll be just a minute.” and went about his business. I started to seethe, and think about how many times I had to politely wait, while someone parked sideways, right across, and totally blocking, three available parking spots. I started to explain to him how unfair it was for me to have to wait for my parking spot, but bit my tongue and shut-up after two or three unintelligible words. He said, “What?” I sensed that my greatly detailed explanation wasn't going to go well, and said angrily “Go ahead and take your minute, I'll just wait”. Well that pissed him off, and he got in his car and sped off. I thought, “good, I should be more firm about my parking spot.”

Later that week, I came back to the shop in the middle of the afternoon and found someone parked in my spot. I did notice that the car was parked correctly, and very neatly. I pulled up behind the car and started my thousand times a day routine of asking all of the neighboring businesses if they knew who's car it was, and how long they were going to be there, because that is the only place that I can park my truck and tools so I can work in the shop. I got as far as the flower shop and “Nope”, they didn't know who's car it was. The Benevolent Society of Park Providers tore up the local parking lot to turn it into Paradise, now everybody has been parking in my spot. I decided that I would have to be very firm about MY spot or it was going to get taken over by the Church Street customers. I asked the lady at the flower shop to tell whoever was driving the car that “I would be just a minute”, and left my truck in the middle of the street behind them. I had to chuckle at my wit and one-up-manship.

As I was working, I kept looking out to see if anyone had come back. I didn't notice anyone for quite a while then I looked harder and saw someone politely waiting for me to return. Feeling a little sheepish about leaving someone setting there, I tempered the go-off that I had planned. The womans polite demeanor disarmed me to a certain extent, but I decided that I had to explain “the rules” anyway. So I shook my finger at the faded worn out “No Parking” sign and explained about how this was the only place that I could park my truck. I expected the usual combativeness about “not being able to see that sign”, or they were only going to be “just a minute”. But the young lady only politely apologized and left. I went back inside feeling like a jerk, but justifying to myself that I had to be firm.

Just as I was congratulating myself for fitting my “High Horse” so well, and how things were getting much better, now that I was getting everyone trained. For some strange reason things started to go wrong. I went in and made some coffee. I forgot to put the pot under the drip-dropper thingee, and coffee, coffee grounds, and water went all over the kitchen counter, into all the drawers and across the floor. I decided that I had better clean it up before anyone noticed. As I turned around, part of our crew was standing there. They were greatly enjoying my humility. With great big grins they said in unison, like in a Hughie, Dewie, and Lewie cartoon, “We're gonna tell!”.

I noticed that the people that like to scream in the park aren't nearly as friendly to me as they used to be, before I accused them of participating in “Hippy Bullshit” by screaming and scaring into me into running to save them. I just wrote it off as sour grapes, but I get that strange niggley little feeling that they think that I crossed out of bounds.

Then the real kicker came to me. The one that pointed out that maybe I was sitting a little too high on my High Horse. It came when I found out that the young lady that I chased out of my parking spot, was none other than Suzy Blah Blah. Talk about feeling like a total jerk.

I had decided a long time ago that I would never bust anyone that posted on my blog anonymously, I haven't yet, and I never will. So, the most that I can tell you about miss Suzy Blah Blah is that she is just exactly as you have pictured her in your mind.

So.... Now for the good part. I've decided that I don't want to be mean anymore. Not that I don't LIKE being mean, it's just that I've noticed that life has a way of beating on people that are mean to others.

So, if you see me riding around on my “Humble Pony”, you will know why. I'm going to take down all of my nasty, mean spirited signs. Okay, I have to leave a few up, like the one warning people not to engage in any body functions on the loading dock. But, I'm going to stop posting the pictures from the closed circuit TV camera on the lunchroom monitor. And I'm going to have to keep the “No Parking” signs up, but I'm going to change them to say “Special Parking Only”, and say: “Except for Suzy Blah Blah, who may park here anytime”.

My most humble apologies Suzy...

Ummmm... Does anyone really think I should be forgiven? I'm not Catholic, or I would just slip the Pope some coin. I guess if I going to be a humanist I'm going to have to start being more human. Payback's a bitch!

New sign on loading dock.