Thursday, January 1, 2009
Along with everyone else writing lengthy opinions on the Richardson’s Grove by-pass, I decided to add some of my wisdom to the issue.
I was reading a blog the other day, about a man’s opinion of what should happen about the Richardson’s Grove road straightening. He was all for it. And, at the time I whole-heartedly agreed with his opinion that it was the best plan of many alternatives, but then “Anonymous” spoke up with wisdom like Anonymous often uses. He said:
“Leave the trees. Spend the money on developing modes of transportation that reduces our dependence on Diesel trucks and that don't contribute to global warming.”
It struck me that Anonymous is so wise. He can sit there in his armchair and out-think the most wise engineers and researchers out there. No wonder he doesn’t sign his name. The poor guy would be pestered to death by the rabble wanting his opinion on everything.
Being emboldened by Anonymous’ opinion, I decide to throw my lot in with him, because I am also a great thinker, but didn’t want to give other people the opportunity to make fun of my ideas. Having personally done extensive research on the best possible way to get freight in and out of Eureka, I have concluded that a fleet of flying pigs is the least environmentally intrusive way to expedite that end. Seeing the opportunity to be ahead of the growing need to get freight up and down the coast. I have formed a Corporation to channel the large amounts of funding that we expect to get when we present our idea to the world. First, I invested my money in buying up a large stock of pigs. With the economy in the tank, and with so many of us enlightened people moving toward vegetarianism, we have found pigs to be a huge bargain on the open market. In order to leverage our small corporations money, we used what little that we had to make a deposit to keep the pigs on hold.
The first and obvious problem, to anyone that has been around animals, is that nobody wants to have a pig flying over them. We hired a consulting firm, and their recommendation was to fit the pigs with diapers. Pig diapers are not readily available on the open market, so we put the manufacturing of pig diapers out to bid. Being environmentally conscious, we specified reusable and washable diapers only.
With the large amount of washable diapers, our corporation decided to corner the pig-diaper laundering business. That business should make the corporation a tidy sum of money by itself.
Take-off and landing areas for the pigs are being arraigned. We hope to use one of the defunct mill sites in the Leggett to Garberville area. The landing zone in Eureka will logically be the Balloon tract. It is already zoned industrial, and has been used for over a hundred years for handling freight. We are trying to find a way to take the property through a public domain process. This was our idea, so I see no reason to let the land owners cash in on our wisdom. As soon as we can clear that hurdle, we will start implementing our service.
Pigs are not heavy lifters, so we are having harnesses made for them to multiply their efforts. Each pig will have a tether that hangs down beneath them, like a helocopter has. As many pigs as needed can be attached to the larger size loads. We have also recognized the grand opportunity to cash-in in developing the pig harness business. Once I set my mind to this project, the opportunities seem to be everywhere. I wonder why other wise people have never considered this golden opportunity?
It seems that the reason that nobody wants the freeway to bypass Richardson’s Grove on the east, is because it would take out thousands of trees and the ground over there is highly unstable. So it doesn’t sound like anyone would accept that plan.
The other plan was a bridge down the river, which would have been ridiculously expensive. Nobody would want to pay for that. The other plan was to go far to the west and come up another canyon. That project was just to enormous to consider.
Recently the Highway People have proposed a plan with a few simple realignments, that would take out very few trees, and move very little dirt. This plan sounds very viable, so I need to get busy with my flying pigs.
My project coordinator just called, and me and said that they have discovered a problem with my plan. It seems that pigs don’t like to fly. But, we hope to get them airborne soon. With the proper incentives, healthcare, education, vacation and dental plans, they should become willing participants.
I will be glad to get this project off the ground, (Pun Intended) because I’m anxious to move on to another project.
I can’t reveal my plan yet, because I hope to cash in on it “Big Time” also. But, I will tell you this; It will bring about world peace, and it all that is needed to bring that about, is to get hippopotamuses to turn into butterflies. Soon you will be finding me in the history books along beside Einstein and Gandhi.
Posted by Ernie Branscomb at 8:59 PM