Thursday, January 1, 2009

Richardson's Grove Realignment.


Along with everyone else writing lengthy opinions on the Richardson’s Grove by-pass, I decided to add some of my wisdom to the issue.

I was reading a blog the other day, about a man’s opinion of what should happen about the Richardson’s Grove road straightening. He was all for it. And, at the time I whole-heartedly agreed with his opinion that it was the best plan of many alternatives, but then “Anonymous” spoke up with wisdom like Anonymous often uses. He said:

“Leave the trees. Spend the money on developing modes of transportation that reduces our dependence on Diesel trucks and that don't contribute to global warming.”

It struck me that Anonymous is so wise. He can sit there in his armchair and out-think the most wise engineers and researchers out there. No wonder he doesn’t sign his name. The poor guy would be pestered to death by the rabble wanting his opinion on everything.

Being emboldened by Anonymous’ opinion, I decide to throw my lot in with him, because I am also a great thinker, but didn’t want to give other people the opportunity to make fun of my ideas. Having personally done extensive research on the best possible way to get freight in and out of Eureka, I have concluded that a fleet of flying pigs is the least environmentally intrusive way to expedite that end. Seeing the opportunity to be ahead of the growing need to get freight up and down the coast. I have formed a Corporation to channel the large amounts of funding that we expect to get when we present our idea to the world. First, I invested my money in buying up a large stock of pigs. With the economy in the tank, and with so many of us enlightened people moving toward vegetarianism, we have found pigs to be a huge bargain on the open market. In order to leverage our small corporations money, we used what little that we had to make a deposit to keep the pigs on hold.

The first and obvious problem, to anyone that has been around animals, is that nobody wants to have a pig flying over them. We hired a consulting firm, and their recommendation was to fit the pigs with diapers. Pig diapers are not readily available on the open market, so we put the manufacturing of pig diapers out to bid. Being environmentally conscious, we specified reusable and washable diapers only.

With the large amount of washable diapers, our corporation decided to corner the pig-diaper laundering business. That business should make the corporation a tidy sum of money by itself.

Take-off and landing areas for the pigs are being arraigned. We hope to use one of the defunct mill sites in the Leggett to Garberville area. The landing zone in Eureka will logically be the Balloon tract. It is already zoned industrial, and has been used for over a hundred years for handling freight. We are trying to find a way to take the property through a public domain process. This was our idea, so I see no reason to let the land owners cash in on our wisdom. As soon as we can clear that hurdle, we will start implementing our service.

Pigs are not heavy lifters, so we are having harnesses made for them to multiply their efforts. Each pig will have a tether that hangs down beneath them, like a helocopter has. As many pigs as needed can be attached to the larger size loads. We have also recognized the grand opportunity to cash-in in developing the pig harness business. Once I set my mind to this project, the opportunities seem to be everywhere. I wonder why other wise people have never considered this golden opportunity?

It seems that the reason that nobody wants the freeway to bypass Richardson’s Grove on the east, is because it would take out thousands of trees and the ground over there is highly unstable. So it doesn’t sound like anyone would accept that plan.

The other plan was a bridge down the river, which would have been ridiculously expensive. Nobody would want to pay for that. The other plan was to go far to the west and come up another canyon. That project was just to enormous to consider.

Recently the Highway People have proposed a plan with a few simple realignments, that would take out very few trees, and move very little dirt. This plan sounds very viable, so I need to get busy with my flying pigs.

My project coordinator just called, and me and said that they have discovered a problem with my plan. It seems that pigs don’t like to fly. But, we hope to get them airborne soon. With the proper incentives, healthcare, education, vacation and dental plans, they should become willing participants.

I will be glad to get this project off the ground, (Pun Intended) because I’m anxious to move on to another project.

I can’t reveal my plan yet, because I hope to cash in on it “Big Time” also. But, I will tell you this; It will bring about world peace, and it all that is needed to bring that about, is to get hippopotamuses to turn into butterflies. Soon you will be finding me in the history books along beside Einstein and Gandhi.

66 comments:

Anonymous said...

I just went on your site 2 times to be #50,000....wheeeeeeHa

Co0ngratulations

S.C.

Ernie Branscomb said...

You must be the same person that was by here the last 49,998 times...

heraldo said...

O wise one, I think it would be better to fit the pigs with metal-framed racks that go on their backs rather than make them lift like helicopters.

And thank you for saving the environment.

Dr. J said...

Dear Mr. Ernie, should you get your project up and flying (no pun intended) I would like to invite you participate in our annual "Flying Pigs Marathon" in Cincinatti, OH http://www.flyingpigmarathon.com

Merry Oinkmas and Hammy New Year,

Dr. Julius Strangepork

PS:

Ernie Branscomb said...

Heraldo
The racks hinder the wing pig wing efficiency. That was covered by the engineer:
C.O. Rack Drag = 12x F.P.M @ 207 M.P.H. Requirers 07.56% more corn fuel.

Please don’t think that I take the environment lightly. Just some environmentalists. If you get my drift.

Ernie Branscomb said...

Dr. J

Thank-you for the invitation. However, now that my pigs have found out about your event, they are more interested in joining in the fun and games, and they just won’t concentrate. I’ve found that you can take a pig out of the pen, but you can’t take that pig out of the pig.

The knowledge of your event has made training them just that much more difficult. I have told then that they can go to your games as soon as they can show that they can fly past Richardson’s Grove. So, we should be there soon!

Rose said...

HHAAHHHAAHHAAHHAA HA HA! Gasps for breath! Guffaw!

Great idea, Ernie.

lodgepole said...

I say we cut a few trees and eat the pigs.

Rose said...

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

heraldo said...

Please don’t think that I take the environment lightly. Just some environmentalists. If you get my drift.

I got you, and appreciate your post.

I still think the helicopter model will be hell on the piggy backs.

Anonymous said...

Where is Ekovox with a recipe for Sus Aeronauticas?

Ballast said...

I know it seems obvious, but be sure to grease your pigs before takeoff.

Carol said...

I can't believe I read the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

as anyone who raises pigs knows you better get some extra large diapers or the inter-nutters are going to be posting about "spam-trails" criss-crossing the sky.

oldmanriver said...

sorry Ernie, but the EPA enviros are one step ahead of you with their proposed methane tax on farm animals.
the article at the end of your little bitty critter thread suggests that if you keep your flock under 200 you may avoid the $20 a hog tax.

Ernie Branscomb said...

Thanks OlManRiver.

This is just another classic example of government interference with private industry! I’m going to need thousands of flying pigs to do this job,

How do they expect us to make a profit if they keep taxing us to death.? I’m going to have my lawyer go for the “Species Defense”. If “Flying Pigs” are not specifically named as a taxable species, it would mean that they are exempt.

Besides, I was a big contributor to the political fund of the guy who’s in charge of appointing the head of the Federal Transportation Commission.

This is just another example of why a CEO gets the big bucks, we buy the right politicians!

I feel sorry for the little people, they don’t have a chance!

Ernie Branscomb said...

Thanks for the link Rose. That is one of my favorites. I always tried to watch WKRP.

Is is possible that was thirty-eight years ago?

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhhh dude, you made me snort milk through my nose.

Lord Darkely said...

pssst Ernie! You can get around the EPA by collecting methane from the diaper pits to heat up large balloons to which the flying pigs are strapped and then you can help me fill my BigBoxes.

Anonymous said...

this flying pig gets grounded

Rose said...

Is is possible that was thirty-eight years ago?

No, Man, it is some kind of time warp!

Ernie Branscomb said...

Actually, after I used all of my fingers to count with, it turned out to be only twenty-eight years ago... How embarrassing!

Indie said...

Ballast wrote: "I know it seems obvious, but be sure to grease your pigs before takeoff." I am still laughing at all this. And your calculation of the aerodynamics of pigs, Ernie. So funny!

Ernie Branscomb said...

Indie

Actually, the “coefficient of rack drag” is an old formula that I used in high school to calculate why the male runners ran faster than the female runners. It correlates almost directly. It’s basically calculated that the faster a person moves, the more resistance will be experienced.

That’s the great thing about the real world, everything has a mathematical reason.

Anonymous said...

Methane generates a silk purse from a sow's rear

Rose said...

You prob'ly don't come north much - but they just cut a half dozen to a dozen trees next to the green (Mad River) Bridge to make way for the new bridge project.

Where was Jeff Muskrat? Where was Dumpster Muffin? Where was Ernie's Anonymous tree-hugger/prognosticator?

Such selective protesting. Of course the trees up here were much less worthy, like egrets compared to the rarer great blue heron.

It's a wonder anything gets done anymore.

Ernie Branscomb said...

Rose
Environmental laws were put into place for a good reason, but as you and I know those laws are abused by ignoranomouses disguising themselves as environmentalists. It is sad the one small brained person can hold up, or stop a project that is basically environmentally sound.

The sad thing, to me, is to see these idiots demonstrate and stop progress, and make themselves out to be minor cult heroes, to the their friends and fellow idiots.

A real environmentally wise person would recognize the need for a highway from the bay area to Eureka. That person would recognize the value of such a project and ask for “Mitagation”. (That’s A big word that basically means to do something that makes up for the loss to the environment.) I think that mitigation should match and excede any loss to the environment in a direct way. For instance if a Redwood tree is removed, many more should be planted in like or similar places.

But there is no glory in negotiation for real improvement, It’s much more fun to “stick it to the man”. But, what happens in the long run is the phonies hold up, delay and cost the project wads of cash. Then they lose in the long run, and mitigation is ignored. Everybody loses. That’s why phony environmentalist gall me so bad. They get in the way of real environmental progress, because nobody wants to be thought of as being one of them. They give environmentalism a bad name.

sohumborn said...

Oh Ernie!
The Unified Consolidation of Joint Marijuana Growers Cooperative (or UCJMGC) would like to submit a bid for feeding the pigs. With the tons of leaves and stems generated by their industry each year, they can substantially underbid the corn people. Thereby increasing your bottom line as well as their own.
They too see great promise in your plan. *smile*

local yokel said...

If we could feed the flying pigs river algae you would really have something Ernie.

An unmentioned elephant in the realignment storyline is the instability of 101 on either side of the Bigfoot Shop just north of the grove. How many times have we see 3-6" drops and repeated resurfacings in bad winters there. More and bigger trucks is not what comes to mind when you see how much of that road 'settles'. Caltrans knows just how bad that is there. I imagine the east side is still the longer range plan, were there money. Four lanes is still the State vision for that stretch. Tell me the state wouldn't love an excuse to sell trees in hard times. Just a thought...

oldmanriver said...

sohumborn...a laudable business plan for several reasons...you might name it... the Hamp Project.

i hate to be one of those blogger naysayers, but if you feed those pigs leaves Ernie's pigs will just giggle at the idea of carrying freight.
They will be flying, but not flying!
(I hear the leaves are mighty good for wing-arthritis tho!)

omr said...

beg pardon....
the Flying Hamp Project

Anonymous said...

donkeys carry more cargo!

Ernie Branscomb said...

Don't be silly, donkey can't fly.

Indie said...

Anonymous, this headline alone is hilarious: "Methane generates a silk purse from a sow's rear." I'd like to write headlines like that.

And re: pigs who eat stems and leaves giggling at the idea of carrying freight. LOL!

Thank you guys for being so clever and witty! It's fun to check in and everyone dreams up.

Anonymous said...

Our Favorite Links and/or the place to report Flying Pig Sightings

follow the pig pages through flying pig graphics, stories, and pics!

Anonymous said...

i was referring to skagit donkeys with high lead cables attached

olmanriver said...

"Well an ol' pigpoke went ridin' out one dark and windy day,
Over the park he rested as he went along his way,
When all at once a flying herd of red eyed sows he saw,
Flying through the redwoods, and up the South Fork draw...

Soooooeeeiiiaaayy
Soooooeeeiiiooooo
Winged pigs in the sky...

Soooooeeeiiiaaayy
Soooooeeeiiiooooo
Ernie's pigs in the sky..."


ah the songs we will sing around the campfire!

olmanriver said...

2nd verse:
"Well their snouts were moist and runny, and the methane they did make,
The pigpokes ridin herd through sky no cigarettes they take,
With cargo weighing down their wings, the porcine flock did fly,
To Lord Darkely's home depot, hear the merchants dying cry.

sooooeeeeiiaaayyy
sooooeeeeiioooooo
winged pigs in the sky

sooooeeeeiiaaayyy
sooooeeeeiiiooooo
Ernie's pigs in the sky"

Carol said...

Now this is entertainment!

Ernie Branscomb said...

Oh, that “Donkey“. Well, why didn’t you say that you are one of my relatives and that you palaver the lingo?

“Now bear in mind that the Big Three of logging are donkeys, lines and blocks. When you are able to ‘punch’ a donkey, ‘buck’ 2000 feet of straw-line and ‘hang’ a block you’ll be a man, my son, for a’ of that. To the untutored brain, punching a donkey might seem like a ticklish occupation. However, once that you have discovered that the donkey is not one of the long-eared variety the situation becomes less involved. The much-cussed and discussed species of steam engine known to the profession as a ‘donkey’ is to the logging game as the mainspring is to your dollar watch. It’s the source of power that makes the wheels of industry go ’round and ’round.”

Every Old-Timer knows that you can get a job done at a quarter the price, and in a tenth of the time, if you get a logger to do it!

But “loggers” are what is called a “pariah species” nowadays, and they don’t have enough work to even keep their skills up. I doubt that you could find one that even knows how to rig a spar pole anymore. The old Skagit triple-drum donkey is a thing of the past. Donkey punchers have all died off.

Yep! I’m glad that I thought of flying pigs, they are in great abundance along the coast. They are the new way that things get done around here! And to think, I practically have the market cornered. They get things done differently up there in Oregon, where there are still two or three Lumbermen. So, don’t try to judge us by their standards. We move slower, and sometime we go in circles, and run into each other, but we are more into turmoil than progress, so that keeps most people happy.

omr said...

well ernie died a rich man from all that cargo hauled, his end was swift and sudden as he took quite a fall, a pigpoke rolled a doobie and lit it up one day, another business goes boom and busts, aint that the northcoast way

omr said...

sorry 'bout killing you off in song on your blog Ernie... and i hit publish before preview or that last verse would look like this:

"Well Ernie died a rich man from all that cargo hauled,
His end was swift and sudden as he took quite a fall,
A pigpoke rolled a doobie and lit it up one day,
Another business goes Boom and busts,
Aint that the northcoast way!"

"The Ballad of Ernie's Flyers"

Jeff Muskrat said...

I believe that Lodgepole must have recenly downed a tree or twelve for a pot grow, and it must have hit him on the head a little too hard.

Or maybe he is suffering from PFDSD(POST-forest defense stress disorder.)

As for Rose, I was surprised to see the destruction at Mad River. I loved those pines. I used to pick up pine needles on the side of the freeway to mulch our garden with them, they are full of mycelium.

There were many ways to complete the project that Cal-Trans was working on, but apparently, they needed a place to park.

olmanriver said...

Verse IV:
"So the moral of this ballad is really quite clear,
He tried to warn us on his blog 'bout bugs we have to fear,
Such irony to go that way, but the message he did send...
Those itty bitty critters will get you in the end!"

(chorus)

kirby said...

If I'm going for overnight delivery its got to be flying monkeys although if you're worried about cost, pigs are the way to go.

Anonymous said...

M R pigs!M R not!O.S.A.R,C.M.B.D. eyes!

Anonymous said...

I wonder how many who scoff at the notion of pigs having wings eat buffalo wings without thinking that one through?!

Anonymous said...

Kirby, how often would you say you use pigs for shipping transport...like once in a Blue Moon?

lodgepole said...

Muskrat, not even close.

As far as the post forest defender BS you mention, you're getting me confused with your fellow buttboy who has the same fake name but doesn't blog. Just so you don't get us confused again, I'm the one from here who works for a living.

Indie said...

Ernie wrote: "We move slower, and sometime we go in circles, and run into each other, but we are more into turmoil than progress, so that keeps most people happy."

You have characterized Humboldt County politics to a T, Ernie! You have called it straight up! It's sad but true, true but sad about our county.

spyrock said...

good luck with your bypass. gridlock is the one thing i notice traveling around california because so many people have fled to the forest there's lots of bumper to bumper two lane roads out there these days with no cure in sight. what amazes me is the road i take to my girlfriends house 100 miles away. i go through the business part of one town about half way, the rest of it is backroads that are in excellent shape that no one uses.
so the old saying must be true, pigs of a feather, flock together.

Ernie Branscomb said...

Yep Spyrock, I knew that you would appreciate my dilemma.

olmanriver said...

The Ballad of Ernie's Flyers

"Well an ol' pigpoke went ridin' out one dark and windy day,
Over the park he rested as he went along his way,
When all at once a flying herd of red eyed sows he saw,
Flying through the redwoods, and up the South Fork draw...

chorus: Soooooeeeiiiaaayy
Soooooeeeiiiooooo
Winged pigs in the sky...

Soooooeeeiiiaaayy
Soooooeeeiiiooooo
Ernie's flyers in the sky

Well their snouts were moist and runny, and the methane they did make,
The pigpokes ridin herd through sky no cigarettes they take,
With cargo weighing down their wings, the porcine flock did fly,
To Lord Darkely's home depot, hear the merchants dying cry.

Sooooeeeeiiaaayyy
Sooooeeeeiioooooo
Winged pigs in the sky

Sooooeeeeiiaaayyy
Sooooeeeeiiiooooo
Ernie's flyers in the sky

"Well Ernie died a rich man from all that cargo hauled,
His end was swift and sudden as he took quite a fall,
A pigpoke rolled a doobie and lit it up one day,
Nuther business goes BOOM and busts,
Aint that the Northcoast way!

Soooooooeeeiiiaaay
Soooooooeeeiiioooo
Winged pigs fall from the sky

So if you see some flying pigs up in the Sohum sky,
Thars a few that did survive that day when spam rained from on high,
A careless stoner moment ruined ol' Ernie's dream,
But we immortalized his genius...
We made Flying Pig Ice Cream!

chorus

So the moral of this ballad is really quite clear,
He tried to warn us on his blog 'bout bugs we have to fear,
Such irony to go that way, but the message he did send...
Those little bitty critters will get you in the end!

Soooooooeeeiiiaaay
Soooooooeeeiiioooo
Ernie's pigs in sky


to the melody of ghost riders in the sky

Ernie Branscomb said...

All this singing reminds me of an old saw:
"Never try to teach a pig to sing. It is a waste of your time, and it annoys the pig."

This is an old proverb meaning; never try to educate someone who is just not smart enough to grasp what you are saying.

People must see that in me! Because I never seem to learn, but I get annoyed a lot.

Ernie Branscomb said...

Another one of my favorite pig tales is:
"Don't mud wrestle with a pig. You'll get muck all over you and the pig enjoys it!"

Anonymous said...

"I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." - Sir Winston Churchill, attr.

ross sherburn said...

ernie!like i have said before,you bring up some memories!!some of hurlbutts pigs found their way into our house.that was the house just south of town,up on the hill.my mom used a razor strap,to beat their arses out of the house!hey!it was all in good fun!!!LOL!

Ernie Branscomb said...

The only thing worse than chickens on the porch are pigs in the kitchen! Life on the farm is not always fun.

Jeff Muskrat said...

Who would know, lodgepole? You have a hidden profile. Even Earth Firsters! are more out in the open than you :)

Anonymous said...

"A pig's tail will never make a good arrow." French proverb

Anonymous said...

"What the pig grunts
Chinese (Mandarin): hu-lu hu-lu
Danish: øf
English: oink oink
Finnish: röh röh
French: groin groin
Hungarian: röf-röf-röf
Japanese: buubuu
Korean: kkool-kkool
Norwegian: nøff-nøff
Polish: chrum chrum
Russian: khryu-khryu
Spanish (Spain): oink-oink
Swedish: nöff"

Pigs-The Gold Scale

I am the real anonymous said...

"Harry S. Truman, a former Kansas farmer, is elected 33rd U.S. President. Reflecting on his position, he states "No man should be allowed to be the President who does not understand hogs, or hasn't been around a manure pile."

Pig and Human History Timeline

oldmanriver said...

"The first historically recorded flight of a pig took place on British soil, at Leysdown in Kent in 1909. The pig was carried aloft by J.T.C. Moore-Brabazon, later the First Lord Brabazon of Tara, in his personal French-built Voisin aero plane.
The pig was placed into a wicker basket, which was in turn strapped to a wing strut of the aero plane. A hand-lettered sign attached to the basket read: ‘I am the first pig to fly.’ Brabazon purposefully carried the pig aloft, thereby disproving the long help opinion that ‘pigs can not fly.’"
First Pig to Fly

omr said...

“I have myself a poetical enthusiasm for pigs, and the paradise of my fancy is one where pigs have wings. But it is only men, especially wise men, who discuss whether pigs can fly; we have no particular proof that pigs ever discuss it.”

— G.K. Chesterton
ibid (same link as above)

Anonymous said...

I remember them talking about this realignment when I visited the park in 1975. Pathetic. Maybe they should spend another 30 years arguing more....that'll really help out everyone.

Jackie said...

Thanks to Redheaded Blackbelt for pointing me to this hilarious blog and comments! I recently heard a person should laugh at least once a day. Now that I know where this is, I will bookmark it so I can come back and get another good laugh. Wish I could think of a good pig pun to post that hasn't already been mentioned. Thanks Ernie!